Nobody talks about loneliness before they move abroad. It's not the sexy part of the story. But it's the thing that gets most families in year one, and it's the thing that, if you don't address it, can quietly erode everything else.
Making friends as an adult is awkward even at home. Making friends in a country where you don't speak the language, where you have no shared history with anyone, where you're the obvious outsider — that's a different level of hard. Add kids, different school schedules, jet lag, admin overload, and a partner who's stressed, and it's easy to see why some families spend their first six months almost entirely in each other's company and come out the other end exhausted.
Here's what we've learned about building a social life from scratch.
The kids are your fastest route in
I know it sounds like using your children as networking tools, and maybe it is. But it works. Get your kids into activities — sports, music, art, anything — and show up consistently. Not just dropping off and collecting, but staying for a bit, making eye contact with other parents, remembering names.
The first friend I made properly in Portugal was the mother of a boy in our older son's football group. We started nodding at each other. Then we started chatting while we waited. Then she invited us for coffee. It took three months of consistent presence before it got to that point. Three months of just turning up and being warm.
At school it works similarly. Volunteer for things, attend the events, introduce yourself to the teacher. You become a known quantity. Known quantities get included.
Find your tribe before you move
The internet makes this possible now in a way it wasn't fifteen years ago. Facebook groups for expats in your destination city, WhatsApp groups for worldschooling families in your region, subreddits for people living in your destination country. Join them all, start lurking, and start posting before you arrive.
"We're moving to [city] in March with two kids aged 7 and 9 — any families in a similar situation?" posts get responses. People want to help. They remember being new.
We arrived in Lisbon already knowing three families virtually, who we'd met in Facebook groups. Two of them became people we saw regularly. One became close friends. That didn't happen by accident.
Invest in activities you actually care about
The mistake is going to expat social events you don't enjoy and grinding through them hoping something will spark. Some people are wired that way and it works for them. Most aren't.
Do things you'd do anyway: yoga class, running group, book club, cooking class, climbing gym. You're in a room with people who already have one thing in common with you. The conversations are easier. The connections are more genuine.
This takes longer than forced networking events but produces friendships that actually last.
Accept that early socialising is an investment
In the first six months, you will have a lot of coffee and dinners with people you probably won't become close friends with. That's fine. You're building surface area. You're becoming known. Some of those connections become genuine friendships. Most don't. But the ones that do happen because of the ones that didn't.
This is the thing that trips people up: they go to two social events, don't instantly connect with anyone, and conclude they're not going to make friends here. That's not how it works. It's a numbers game in the beginning. Keep showing up.
Talk to locals, not just expats
This is harder, especially if you don't speak the language. But it's worth the effort. Local friendships are different from expat friendships — they're rooted in the place, they teach you how things actually work, and they give you a sense of belonging in a way that a community of people who are all also passing through can't quite provide.
Language classes are an underrated way to meet locals. You're both struggling together, which is a surprisingly good bonding experience. Evening classes, conversation exchange meetups, community language groups — all worth trying.
Give it a year before you judge it
Friendships form slowly. The person who ends up being one of your closest friends abroad is probably someone you've met already, who just hasn't become that yet.
At six months we had a handful of acquaintances and one family we were properly close to. At twelve months we had three families we saw regularly and a wider circle that felt genuinely warm. At two years we had more of a community than we'd had in Singapore, where we'd lived for eight years.
It compounds. It just doesn't feel like it is at first.
If you're planning a move and want to talk through what the social and family side actually looks like, book a free call. It's the part of the conversation most families find most useful.
